Loss

Have you ever felt like there is absolutely nothing in your head? There are no thoughts to hear, just the ambient sounds of a computer fan or leaves rustling that enter my ears, dance around in the little hollow cavity in my head, then exit without much fuss. Earlier this morning I was getting ready for our final lift session before our first goal date. As I gathered my things to leave my dorm, I noticed a missed call on my phone. One of those quick, evil thoughts flashed through my mind. You know, the ones where when your parents are late from work the first thing that crosses your mind is the worst thing that could possibly happen. That's the thought I got.

What I've never actually wondered about is what would happen if those little shit thoughts actually came to life. How would I react? The creep that I am has obviously spent enough time thinking about situations such as these that I should at the very least be prepared for something like this. So, when I called back and found out the worst, I was about as prepared as I thought I would be.

Now, the person that passed is neither a close relative of mine, nor a person that I've said more than a few words to. She, though, has had a tremendous impact on the life of a close friend of mine. I'm not going to go into the details of either of their lives, but what I will say is that we have been aware that she's been dying for quite some time.

I got the call and nothing came to mind. I might have whispered something like, "I'm sorry" and then hung up. I had no idea what to do. How does one react during a situation like this? I always imagined myself tearing up and being angry at the world for some time. What kind of a person has to think about how to feel when someone passes? I, of course, am that person. The idea of having an actual living being no longer exist is so foreign and abstract to me that I still don't think I understand what happened.

She's gone forever and there is nothing I can do about it. They say death is the great leveler. It will take the richest king and the poorest peasant. In the end, nothing we do on this earth will change that. There was an episode of House where the cute doctor says something along the lines of, "when a person dies, someone should cry." This is me crying. The best I can do is say what I'm feeling. Veena, your aunt deserved better than a struggle with lung cancer and you deserved better than to have to watch her fade away. Now that it's over my heart goes out to you. May time do its job in healing this wound.

Rest in peace,
Vin